Get Rich or Spy Trying: A Professor Xyris Story
by Professor Xyris
Summary: A new Spy joins the R.E.D. team at Team Fortress Industries. He has no idea what he's getting into. From random one liners to actual story plots, this story is completely random.
1. Chapter 1 - The First Night

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my first fanfiction, so don't expect it to be amazing. If I continue to do this I will upload GMod posters for each chapter on my deviantart page. Also, I will be doing accents, and sometimes translate Pyro's mmphs if need be (like if it were important info or just a joke or something). Also, this is based on an OC I created. I still change it a lot, but I am positive the current form is his final one, but I haven't decided yet. Hopefully I will soon. Anyway, let's get started!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own TF2 or any of the characters. If I did I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be doing Gaben things.**

_Get Rich or Spy Trying: Professor Xyris Story_

_Chapter 1: First Night_

I was 25 when I applied for a job at Team Fortress Industries. Since I lived in Ohio, I had to move to New Mexico for the job and save up for a I did, I applied for a job as a Spy. The Reliable Excavation Demolition team needed a new one since their last one had his, "incident." Unlike most Spies at Team Fortress Industries, I'm not French. The closest I am to French is a tiny bit Irish and German, but other than that, I look like I'm from Ohio.

I learned that most Spies were expert assassins, and I was very skilled. I applied since I had a bounty on my head for multiple things. Since most workers at TF Industries were criminals they eventually made it so that they pay off some people to save you, but in return you have to work there for a year at least. This wasn't a big deal to me, as I needed the money anyways.

I wasn't informed much on my line of work other than I'd be fighting 9 other people with 8 others on my team, my weapons and uniform were to be provided, I was the Spy, and that my team name was Reliable Excavation Demolition (or RED for short). We would be fighting on a map called 2Fort, which was about 6 miles down the road from the city of Teufort. Our mission was to bring the enemy's briefcase out of their base and back to ours, and defend our own.

Back to more on me, my real name is Rex Xyris, but I have earned 10 Ph. D.s, well, before I had to leave. After college I realized there weren't a lot of places looking for my skills, and I was low on money. I started pickpocketing people on the streets, then convenient store robberies and banks if it were that big of a deal. I made rent, and never got caught. Until one day, I was sitting in my living room when there was a knock on the door. I looked out the window and saw a cop car. "Dammit!" I said. "I was gettin' close to being able to buy that new car too…"

I decided that I was obviously caught, because when I left through my apartment window in the back, there were cops there too. I was as quiet as I could be on an old metal fire escape, but alas, they noticed me. I started dashing across building until I found another fire escape, and climbed down. There was an old car there, and it was luckily unlocked. I learned how to hotwire in my hometown so I quickly fidgeted with the wires until I fixed it. I never got a degree in engineering, but that didn't stop me.

That's how I got to the Badlands. I just hid my identity and moved. I did very well, and when I heard TF Industries needed a sneaky killer and would pay off your bounty, I immediately saved up to move there. I didn't expect to have to move like that, but that's how I got to New Mexico.

Now we're here to today, the day I get picked up on a bus to my new place of work. I was nervous, but excited. I couldn't believe I was about to have the job I've been aspiring for forever. I waited at an old bus stop for about 10 minutes before a rickety old bus showed up. I straightened my tie and waited for the doors to open. When they opened, I was greeted by a friendly looking man with a trucker hat and a moustache. I stepped on and he asked, "Are you the new Spy?" I replied with a nod and he motioned for me to sit. There was an awkward silence before he asked, "So, you excited for the new job?" It took me a minute to reply, I have a hard time paying attention sometimes. "Oh, yeah, sure am." I replied, sounding a bit tired. I could tell. I'd almost fallen asleep a few times at the bus stop. I yawned and realized I hadn't introduced myself. "My names Rex, what's yours?" I asked. He looked at me in the mirror and said, "At TF Industries, we aren't supposed to use our real names, but they aren't here right now, so I can tell ya." He explained. "My name's James, but most people call me Tex since I'm Texan." We were silent for a few minutes, but finally said, "Oh yeah, we're supposed to call each other by nicknames or our class name. I don't have a class name so I hear Tex a lot." he explained.

About an hour later we arrived at what looked like 2 forts across one another and a bridge in the middle. There was a large chain link fence around it. Tex parked the bus near a small doorway in the fence and opened the door. "Here's your stop." he said. I got up and thanked him, then left through the door and entered the base through the gate. I walked into the large red base and looked around. _"Wow," _I thought, _"This place is huge…"_

I eventually heard voices and laughter and found my way to a small room with a table in it, with 6 men around it. One of them noticed me in the doorway and marched over to me, the others now realizing I was here watching this. He was smoking a cigar and had a headset and dark tinted aviator on. "STATE YOUR NAME AND BUSINESS MAGGOT!" The Soldier I guessed. "I was told my name is confidential. I'm the new Spy," I explained, reaching for a handshake but realizing I was holding my application, which had a red stamp that said "ACCEPTED" on it. "Oh, well then, welcome to the base maggot!" a bit more enthusiastic and not angry, and took the clipboard I was holding. I looked at the other 5 men at the table. One of them was wearing a gas mask and flame retardant suit, although gender was impossible to tell. The Pyro I guessed. The next was a fairly large man with a huge bandolier around him, obviously the Heavy based on his appearance. The next 2 were a man in slightly rust tinted glasses and a "Crocodile Dundee" hat with a belt of teeth. Next to him was a man wearing a strange top hat and goggles. These 2 were the Engineer and Sniper I guessed. Finally, the last man, or, teenager or something, at the table was a skinny 18-year-old looking boy with a hood and hat on, school uniform, and off-brand "Converse" sneakers. Judging by his appearance, he was the Scout.

"Yo Solly, who's the guy in the ski mask and fedora over there?" Scout said. I got a bit annoyed at him using the incorrect hat names, but realized it was a common mistake. "Our new recruit maggot," Soldier replied, "Guys, this is our new spy." The 5 men looked at me for a moment before the Engineer invited me to come play poker with them, and I willingly accepted. Couldn't hurt to try. "So, how are we betting? Do you have any chips or anything?" They looked at me for a second like they were thinking, when suddenly Heavy broke the silence. "I will explain to leetle man how we bet." he said. "We bet hats, weapons, and keys instead of chips," he explained, "You are new so I share profits with you." Heavy pulled out a bag and gave me an odd shotgun with a scope on the side of it, a pair of cargo pants, a key with half of a lime on the end, and a rose. I thanked him and we began playing a round of Texas Holdem poker. By the end of the round Engineer, Pyro, and Scout had been eliminated. Heavy had bet all in then left the table, saying he wanted to see what went down. It was just me and sniper left. Sniper gave me a smirk once he was dealt his card from the automatic dealing machine Engie had installed in the table. He had a regular key and I had the rose and key left. He bet his key, and I bet mine. We revealed our cards. He had a pair of threes, and I had a 7 and a 2. "_Dammit! Of course I got the worse hand possible!" _I thought. The first three cards in the river were revealed. a four and two twos. _"What!? Holy crap I might win!" _I thought excitedly. The next card was dealt, a 3. Now we were tied, him in the lead. _"C'mon, all I need is a seven!" _I said anxiously in my head. The final card. It was dealt. A look of disappointment over Sniper's face as I found myself smiling like a kid who just got handed a whole shoe box of candy. A seven. I got a full house. The radio on the table crackled on. "The Sniper has, three of a kind. And the Spy has, A full house." the robotic voice said. "The Spy wins the pot, and the Sniper is eliminated. Congratulations, Spy, you win." the voice announced. I stood up a cheered silently, but then reached a hand across the table.

"Good game Sniper." I said expectantly. He just stared for a moment before smiling and shaking my hand. "Good bloody game mate." I put my winnings into my suitcase, except for the rose. I fixed it into part of my suit and grabbed the 2 and the 7, putting them into the band of my hat. "Good night mate, I'm heading to bed." Sniper said, "I advise you do too, we got a mission at 8 A.M. tomorrow, and Solly wakes ya up at 6." I nodded my head and exited the room. _"Today was a good day." _I thought to myself. _"I can't wait for tomorrow!" _I wandered the halls until I found my room. I entered and fell onto the bed, set an alarm for 5:45, and fell asleep.

**I was working on this for a decent amount of time. I'd like to make more so please tell me what to work on. Cheers. :D**


	2. Chapter 2 - First Mission on 2fort

**Took me a while to start writing this. Finally did, so I hope you enjoy! Oh yeah, I uploaded fanart for the first and second chapters at professorxyris deviantart .com.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own TF2 or any of it's characters. If I did, I think I would stop worrying about how many hats I have.**

_Get Rich or Spy Trying: Professor Xyris Story_

_Chapter 2: First Mission at 2fort._

I heard a buzzing in my ears, my alarm. I lazily slapped the alarm clock until it turned off and got up to get ready. I got dressed and grabbed my trilby, looking at it and remembering our night before. I adjusted my rose and straightened my hat. Then, I head out my door.

I decided I'd need nourishment for this being the first battle so I grabbed some cereal and got myself a bowl of it. Seemed like some weird "off-brand" version of Frosted Flakes, but with a red box. Of course, everything in this place is red. After a few minutes of eating by myself I heard footsteps and a slightly familiar face came from around the corner. Last night was a bit hazy since I had met so many new people, but I could tell who it was after a moment. "Mornin' mate," Sniper said, "How's the cereal?" I thought for a moment and said, "Good, just a bit off." He chuckled a bit. "Well, you'll get used to it. Most of the food here is offbrand made by Mann Co." he explained. I gave him a blank stare before remembering what Mann Co. was. Mann Co. is the company that supplies the mercenaries with weapons and hats. Unless you brought it from home, Mann Co. made it. He got out a bowl, got himself some cereal and sat across from me. After a while more mercenaries started waking up and getting breakfast, besides Soldier who said he didn't need breakfast. After we ate, Soldier took us outside.

There was a track behind the base. It looked kind of like the kind you see at a high school. "Line up by order of class, maggots." Soldier ordered. "You will run 4 laps around this track, then you will line back up and wait for the rest of your team to finish, any questions?" Nobody answered. "Good, now go!" the American barked.

We all sped off, Scout taking the lead with Medic close behind and Pyro not too far away. After a while, I saw Medic slow down and go jog with Heavy. I looked over at Sniper and he smirked, and then took off running. I guessed he was challenging me so I sped up too. By now we were all on our 2nd lap, besides Scout who was on his 3rd and Heavy who was just finishing his 2nd and making catching up to the rest of the main group. Sniper and I were neck and neck by our 4th lap. "Ya got serious speed, bugger," Sniper said teasingly. "Not too bad yourself, bushman." I said jokingly. The end was a bit away, just a few yards. I saw Scout and Medic arguing about something. medic ran his hand through his messy hair and looked stressed a bit. Pyro passed us and finished before us. He sure could run. We had about 5 yards to go, and I was slowing down. Sniper crossed and about 3 seconds after I did. I panted, and then reached out my hand to Sniper. "Good job…" I said breathlessly. We shook hands and I gained my breath back.

"8 minutes until startup!" Scout called and ran back to base. We all walked back and got into the respawn room, grabbing our weapons and readying up. "10 Seconds!" the Administrator's voice called out through a speaker on the wall. "5" I straightened my tie and my adjusted my rose. "4" I loaded my silver revolver and put it into a hidden holster in my jacket. "3" I readied my disguise case and adjusted my watch."2" I checked if my sapper and knife were with me. "1!"

We ran out the door and started our way toward the enemy base. I quickly cloaked and rummaged through the disguises. I picked their Engineer and looked at the water below the bridge. Looked murky, but slightly clear. I heard soldier screaming and landing on the BLU Sniper across who wasn't paying attention in the balcony. I started to make my way to their base, when their Demoman started drunkenly running toward our base. He almost got me with a grenade, when I saw his head explode right off his body. I looked back at our Sniper and gave him a nod, then started making my way to their intelligence. I saw their Engineer's sentry take out our Demoman and Pyro, but the Medic Übercharged the Heavy and took it down with the Engie. They took on way down to the intel, so I took the other way. It was normal for Engineers to build their machines in the intelligence room, so nobody bothered with me. When I got down there I saw our Heavy's body fly into the wall, while our Medic looked at me frightened. He whispered, "Soldier up ahead, be careful." and started to head back up for a new partner. I walked in acting like I was deciding what building to make. The Soldier scowled at me and muttered something, before I decided it was an easy kill. I walked behind him, acting like I was going to deploy a building when I drove my knife right into his spine. He fell down and I grabbed the intelligence. I ran out of the room and headed towards the sewers. I found Medic in the corner, healing our Heavy once again. I looked the Heavy in the eyes. Something was, off, about him. I decided to take a leap of fate and got my revolver out and shot a hole in his head. He fell to the ground and undisguised. '"He was an embarrassment to Spies everywhere." I joked. Medic chuckled and said he'd take the briefcase back. I handed it to him and he ran down the stairs into the sewers.

A few captures and respawns later, we were in sudden death. It was 3-3 in overtime and if you died, you wouldn't respawn until it was over. The Engineer died, but his sentry stayed. Pyro stayed with his building to Spycheck and Medic, Heavy, Soldier, and Demoman went to get the briefcase. Scout, Sniper, and I were left in the top floors to protect the briefcase. Their Sniper, Demoman, and Scout had died. We had an advantage, but I was paranoid if one of them was a Spy. I heard Scout yell and went to check it out. By the time i got there, a BLU suited man with a bullet filled body was flung out of the room. Pyro looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. "You've taken the enemy intelligence!" the Announcer said. In a few minutes, I saw Medic and a very wounded and sad looking Demoman walking to our intel room. We captured the intel and won the match. When we all respawned Soldier and Demoman ran over to each other and started blabbering about something like Soldier taking bullet for Demo. A few people grouped up and went of to their own business, while Engineer came in with a crate of beers. "Drink up people, been savin' these for a special occasion. This is our 8th win in a row!" Some of us looked dumbfounded while others cheered and grabbed a beer. Sniper came over and gave me one. We did a cheers and drank. By the end of the night, I was so tired again I almost forgot to set my alarm. I set it for 5:45 and took off my jacket, tie, hat, and balaclava. I ran my hand through my hair and fell asleep. Overall, it was a good day.

**Thanks for reading. R and R.**


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